i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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