Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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