I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
