i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
BRING THE BAGELS
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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