As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
