Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
