A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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