I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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