Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
