they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
