I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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