So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
