so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
two words...techno handjob
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He better not be in your backpack
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
