and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
