Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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