you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
