He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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