When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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