Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He called his prostate his "boner button".
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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