the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
