Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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