I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
