an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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