I wanna bring you to show and tell
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
