Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
