i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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