i think my tv is drunk
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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