3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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