I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
