i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
