Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
