My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do vagina's smell?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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