check it out our google latitudes are spooning
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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