med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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