you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
