Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
