Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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