i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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