he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
