Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
