When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
