I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
