Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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