Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
