My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
