So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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