I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize