i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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