the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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