Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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