he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
