Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
