I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
