Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
